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I'm Lucy, and I'd be happy to answer your questions today. I'm very sorry to hear that this happened.
A lawyer's job is to vigorously represent the client, which in this case means your ex-wife. The only ethical obligation the attorney owes you as an opposing party is not to lie and provide false information. If your ex-wife told the lawyer that she didn't want the paperwork to go through, I'm sorry to say, she was doing her job. The behavior you've described may be unacceptable among laypeople, but it's not a violation of the Rules of Professional Conduct. Also, the Bar tends to realize that people are usually unhappy with the way opposing counsel handled their case, and complaints from the other party are not given the same consideration as complaints from a client. It's entirely possible that if you went to the bar with exactly what you said here, they would not do anything.
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That unfortunately doesn't change my opinion. In a contentious divorce, the opposing lawyer isn't expected to help your case in any way, and if your wife wants to make things difficult for you, then she's just doing her job by agreeing.
You could have filed a cross-motion for contempt based on the fact that your wife had not completed the QDRO and given you the funds you were supposed to get. But if the judge erred in finding that you had the $30k to make the payment when you didn't, or abused discretion by failing to even let you argue your defense, that could be a grounds for appeal. It's not necessarily that she found against you when your wife hadn't done what she was supposed to - it's that their decision needs to be supported by the evidence, and she didn't let you introduce any.