I empathize with your situation and having been in your position in years past, I certainly understand your angst. While I can’t change the way things are, perhaps if I explain what happened and why, dealing with it will not be as stressful.
It is possible that your frustration may come from not having fully understood the original placement order, but I can assure you that nothing appears to have changed in terms of what the court expects from you.
First of all, extra time has nothing to do with the right of first refusal. They may be next to one another on the order, but they are distinct and separate obligations/rights.
The letter specifically addresses the terms of the right of first refusal. However, it does go on to say that the court contemplates that there will be additional time that your ex would be allowed to spend with your son and you have to be reasonable in accommodating some of those requests.
Now it may be that he requests to pick your son up form school even if you are going to be an hour late, and if that is what is happening, then you need to allow him to do that occasionally. Not every day, but as the Commissioner has stated a reasonable amount of time and on reasonable notice from your ex.
This additional time would be expected by the court even if there was no three hour right of first refusal. In fact, even if you were able to pick up your son every day from school, you would need to provide additional time beyond the set schedule to your ex.
Your original court order specifically states that "other periods of placement.... shall be reasonable, upon reasonable prior notice as the parties agree". What this means is that you are expected to agree to some additional time. Not every day, not every time you will be gone from your son for an hour or two---but occasional.
So the right of first refusal is as you understand it to be. However, your ex is entitled to some reasonable additional time with your son outside of the stated schedule. The extra time must be reasonable to you and your son, and with reason reasonable notice of the request to you as well. You certainly don’t have to agree to every request---just some of them. And even a few would probably be sufficient to show the court that you are not deliberately refusing to abide by the order of the court.
You may reply back to me using the Reply link and I will be happy to continue to assist you until I am able to address your concerns, to your satisfaction.
Kindly, remember to rate my service to you. That is how I am credited for assisting you.
I wish you and yours the best in 2015,