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There is nothing wrong with you writing to the attorney, but if the attorney is acting unethically, I doubt that s/he would change his or her behavior based on your letter. Is there something specific that the attorney is doing that you believe to be unethical? The mere fact of representation would not be unethical, but creating unnecessary litigation to run up attorneys fees could be unethical.
The question of unethical behavior would also depend on the level of your wife's incompetence. If her personality has changed, but she fully understands the nature of her choices, it is probably not unethical for the attorney to abide by your wife's wishes.
The only rules of professional responsibility that apply in this case are as follows:
(a) Maintenance of Normal Relationship.
When a client's ability to make adequately considered decisions in connection with the representation is impaired, whether because of minority, mental disability, or for some other reason, the lawyer shall, as far as reasonably possible, maintain a normal client-lawyer relationship with the client.
(b) Appointment of Guardian.
A lawyer may seek the appointment of a guardian or take other protective action with respect to a client only when the lawyer reasonably believes that the client cannot adequately act in the client's own interest.
You, too, may seek appointment of a Guardian on her behalf, however, the process is difficult and costly - it requires that you file a new court case for guardianship.
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