If there was never a domestic relations order, you could challenge her entitlement to your pension and you can challenge the claims to the pension based on your payment of all of the other expenses. Without a domestic relations order from the court she will not get the pension to pay her directly and it would be on you to pay her. Without an actual court order and only a verbal agreement you are not bound to do so and you can 1) seek to negotiate some lump sum pay off in writing with her to waive further claims or 2) you would have to go to court to seek an order to determine her share based on everything you paid already and the marriage time.

Unfortunately, because you were married for 20 years, typically the courts would give her 50%, but would adjust this by the money you already paid. To determine a fair amount for a lump sum, this is based on what you are really willing to settle for paying. Usually, based on your age and the value of your pension a typical payoff lump sum is 10%-20% of the total value of the pension.

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