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AlexiaEsq.
AlexiaEsq., Managing Attorney
Category: Family Law
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Experience:  19+ Years of Legal Practice in Family law matters.
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I am currently living with a male friend in oregon since 8/2/2010.

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I am currently living with a male friend in oregon since 8/2/2010. I have been separated from my husband, not legally, since 6/2/2008. I was diagnosed with Parkinson's 7/2005 and with breast cancer 5/2009. My friend offered to help care for me when my husband refused to help. We are just starting divorce proceedings, my husband served me papers, filing for divorce. Is my living situation going to be a problem and my friend has bought tickets to take me to Europe because my health is steadily degenerating. Will that be a problem as well? This is my last chance physically to go. My financial background : stay at home mother of 5 for 25+ years. I have not made enough income to qualify for any social security.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Family Law
Expert:  AlexiaEsq. replied 3 years ago.

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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Yes
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Yes.and we have explored the collaborative process but my husband refused
Expert:  AlexiaEsq. replied 3 years ago.
Hi again, and thank you.

With regard to your post:

I am currently living with a male friend in oregon since 8/2/2010. Is this a romantic/sexual relationship, or platonic?

I have been separated from my husband, not legally, since 6/2/2008. Who moved out in 6/08?

I was diagnosed with Parkinson's 7/2005 and with breast cancer 5/2009. Very sorry to hear this.



My friend offered to help care for me when my husband refused to help. That is wonderful, I'm very glad you have such a friend. How has he been helping you and since what time period? Did he have to help you when you were still living with the husband?

We are just starting divorce proceedings, my husband served me papers, filing for divorce. It is about time, no?

Is my living situation going to be a problem and my friend has bought tickets to take me to Europe because my health is steadily degenerating. Will that be a problem as well? Not that I can see. On what grounds did your husband file for divorce on?

This is my last chance physically to go. How long will you be going for? Vacation or treatment? Just make sure to not miss court dates.

My financial background : stay at home mother of 5 for 25+ years. I have not made enough income to qualify for any social security.
You need to file for SSI if you haven't already and feel you are unable to work, from medical impairment limitations. SSI does not require insured status/work history, just indigency. Also, speak to SSA about if you can qualify for SSD on your husband's record, and if not, at what age, if any, that may be possible.

Obviously, you will be asking for spousal support. I would actual counterclaim for divorce based on his abandonment of your medical needs, if that is what he has done. For instance, if you can't drive and he refused to take you to the doctors, refused to put food in the house, etc. You can also file for child custody of if not appropriate, absolutely for full visitation. As it stands now, you have the same rights as he to the children, so you could go pick them up today. Would likely tick him off, but it seems he is an angry man anyway.

Good luck. You can do this.

Please press the ACCEPT button so I may be credited and paid for my time by Justanswer.com. You may always follow up with me after doing so. Positive feedback and a BONUS are always appreciated. Thank you and the best of luck.

-------------

AlexiaEsq., Managing Attorney
Category: Family Law
Satisfied Customers: 11700
Experience: 19+ Years of Legal Practice in Family law matters.
AlexiaEsq. and 4 other Family Law Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Is this a romantic/sexual relationship, or platonic?
It is now a romantic relationship.

I have been separated from my husband, not legally, since 6/2/2008. Who moved out in 6/08?
My husband gave me an ultimatum: he leaves or I leave. I was in school at the time, finally finishing my degree [could not finish Occupational Therapy in 1985 due to troubled pregnancy (while married)]. I felt that he is the healthier parent, nets $3300/month as an engineer, and could provide better for the children while i completed my studies. He was hostile whenever I tried to study.

I was diagnosed with Parkinson's 7/2005 and with breast cancer 5/2009. Very sorry to hear this.
Thank you. I now help others with Parkinson's as a physical trainer.

My friend offered to help care for me when my husband refused to help. That is wonderful, I'm very glad you have such a friend. How has he been helping you and since what time period?
We were friends at the beginning. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I tried to go home to be near my children during surgery and chemotherapy. One day after my first surgery, his mother was hostile to me (a survivor herself). I called my husband and asked for help. "Why are you calling me? What do you expect?" He would not drive me to chemo, procur meds on the day after chemo, nor feed me, barely talking with me.
I left 2 more times, one day after my first surgery, saying i would come back after the in-laws left. I wanted them to be able to go to my son's graduation for they had traveled far and are frail. Second time after chemo when he would not feed me or help get my meds while quite bed-ridden.
Did he have to help you when you were still living with the husband?
My friend helped by stocking my freezer (not at home) with food 2 days after the first surgery, unsolicited. I had not contacted him because i was trying to reconcile. My friend honored my request for no ties for 3 months until I needed help.

We are just starting divorce proceedings, my husband served me papers, filing for divorce. It is about time, no?
The breast cancer/chemo delayed and husband ignored all requests for legal separation for 2 years.

Is my living situation going to be a problem and my friend has bought tickets to take me to Europe because my health is steadily degenerating. Will that be a problem as well? Not that I can see. On what grounds did your husband file for divorce on?
Not sure, but Oregon is a no- fault divorce state.

This is my last chance physically to go. How long will you be going for? Vacation or treatment? Just make sure to not miss court dates.
3 months, "vacation/service," housesitting/caretaking.

My financial background : stay at home mother of 5 for 25+ years. I have not made enough income to qualify for any social security.
You need to file for SSI if you haven't already and feel you are unable to work, from medical impairment limitations. SSI does not require insured status/work history, just indigency. Also, speak to SSA about if you can qualify for SSD on your husband's record, and if not, at what age, if any, that may be possible.
Thank you.

Obviously, you will be asking for spousal support. I would actual counterclaim for divorce based on his abandonment of your medical needs, if that is what he has done. For instance, if you can't drive and he refused to take you to the doctors, refused to put food in the house, etc. You can also file for child custody of if not appropriate, absolutely for full visitation. As it stands now, you have the same rights as he to the children, so you could go pick them up today. Would likely tick him off, but it seems he is an angry man anyway.

Good luck. You can do this.

Please press the ACCEPT button so I may be credited and paid for my time by Justanswer.com. You may always follow up with me after doing so. Positive feedback and a BONUS are always appreciated. Thank you and the best of luck.

-------------

Expert:  AlexiaEsq. replied 3 years ago.
Is this a romantic/sexual relationship, or platonic?
It is now a romantic relationship.

I have been separated from my husband, not legally, since 6/2/2008. Who moved out in 6/08?
My husband gave me an ultimatum: he leaves or I leave. I was in school at the time, finally finishing my degree [could not finish Occupational Therapy in 1985 due to troubled pregnancy (while married)]. I felt that he is the healthier parent, nets $3300/month as an engineer, and could provide better for the children while i completed my studies. He was hostile whenever I tried to study.So, when you left, i twas not because of him not taking care of you, but being obnoxious and unsupportive of your schooling? And when you moved out, you moved to your own apt and did not live yet with another man?

I was diagnosed with Parkinson's 7/2005 and with breast cancer 5/2009. Very sorry to hear this.
Thank you. I now help others with Parkinson's as a physical trainer.Good for you.

My friend offered to help care for me when my husband refused to help. What year was this? Before you left your husband in 08? That is wonderful, I'm very glad you have such a friend. How has he been helping you and since what time period?
We were friends at the beginning. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I tried to go home to be near my children during surgery and chemotherapy. OK, so you moved out due to school, then were ill with the breast cancer, at which point you sought to move home. Did you actually move back in, only to find you rude mother in law?

One day after my first surgery, his mother was hostile to me (a survivor herself). I suspect she is mad at your for leaving her son and she likely feels you left your children. I called my husband and asked for help. Weren't you in his home at the time? Called him where, at his job? What help did you need at that moment?"Why are you calling me? What do you expect?" He would not drive me to chemo, procur meds on the day after chemo, nor feed me, barely talking with me.Nice guy. But, did he take the stance that you left, broke up the family, and therefore it was over? Even if you wanted to come back?
I left 2 more times, one day after my first surgery, saying i would come back after the in-laws left. I wanted them to be able to go to my son's graduation for they had traveled far and are frail. Second time after chemo when he would not feed me or help get my meds while quite bed-ridden. How did you manage to move when bed-ridden? (I'm asking this because it would be an issue if you claim his abandonment...they will counter with, she didn't need help, she had her boyfriend and was able to move out, which she did...)
Did he have to help you when you were still living with the husband?
My friend helped by stocking my freezer (not at home what do you mean not at home...you mean he only helped you after you moved out?) with food 2 days after the first surgery, unsolicited. I had not contacted him because i was trying to reconcile. My friend honored my request for no ties for 3 months until I needed help.

We are just starting divorce proceedings, my husband served me papers, filing for divorce. It is about time, no?
The breast cancer/chemo delayed and husband ignored all requests for legal separation for 2 years. Yes, that is like saying, please give me permission to sue you. His ignoring your request is n't really relevant, you simply move out and move on, no permission needed.

Is my living situation going to be a problem and my friend has bought tickets to take me to Europe because my health is steadily degenerating. Will that be a problem as well? Not that I can see. On what grounds did your husband file for divorce on?
Not sure, but Oregon is a no- fault divorce state. Hopefully he is n't going the route of adultery. But you'd see it in the papers and your boyfriend would have been served as well, as he'd be a co-respondent.

This is my last chance physically to go. How long will you be going for? Vacation or treatment? Just make sure to not miss court dates.
3 months, "vacation/service," housesitting/caretaking. My concern is that if you miss a court date, you can screw yourself re support, etc. Make sure you properly answer his complaint...you can agree to the divorce but ask for support, visitation, etc.

My financial background : stay at home mother of 5 for 25+ years. I have not made enough income to qualify for any social security.
You need to file for SSI if you haven't already and feel you are unable to work, from medical impairment limitations. SSI does not require insured status/work history, just indigency. Also, speak to SSA about if you can qualify for SSD on your husband's record, and if not, at what age, if any, that may be possible.
Thank you.

Obviously, you will be asking for spousal support. I would actual counterclaim for divorce based on his abandonment of your medical needs, if that is what he has done. For instance, if you can't drive and he refused to take you to the doctors, refused to put food in the house, etc. You can also file for child custody of if not appropriate, absolutely for full visitation. As it stands now, you have the same rights as he to the children, so you could go pick them up today. Would likely tick him off, but it seems he is an angry man anyway.

Good luck! I'd try to get my ducks in a row and take care of business before jet setting to Europe. It will not look particularly sympathetic to the judge, particularly when crying poverty, despite the fact that your BF is paying. Priorities.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
So, when you left, i twas not because of him not taking care of you, but being obnoxious and unsupportive of your schooling?
UNSUPPORTIVE OF ANYTHING I DID AT THIS POINT, ONLY KEPT ME ON HEALTH INSURANCE/SOME MONTHLY SUPPORT.

And when you moved out, you moved to your own apt and did not live yet with another man?
I LIVED IN MY OWN APT FROM 6/2008 UNTIL 4/1/2009, THEN RENTED WITH A FEMALE UNTIL 8/1/2010. MY HUSBAND THREATENED CUTTING SUPPORT BECAUSE HE WAS ON A CORRECTIVE ACTION PLAN AND SURE HE WAS GETTING FIRED, SO MY BOYFRIEND ASKED ME TO MOVE IN WITH HIM TO SAVE MONEY/CUT MY RENT/HALF. HUSBAND DID NOT GET FIRED.

OK, so you moved out due to school, then were ill with the breast cancer, at which point you sought to move home. Did you actually move back in, only to find you rude mother in law?
YES, I HAD NOT MOVED COMPLETELTY BACK IN UNTIL CHEMO/SECOND SURGERY, IN JULY. I STILL HAD STUFF IN MY APT DUE TO THE IMMEDIACY OF NEED FOR SURGERY 10 DAYS AFTER DIAGNOSIS/STAGE 3/3 SITES/ONE LARGE "TUMOR".


Weren't you in his home at the time?
YES
Called him where, at his job?
YES
What help did you need at that moment?
SIMPLY CALLED TO TELL HIM THAT I SAID TO HIS MOM ONE PHRASE "I CAME HOME TO HEAL. I CANNOT DISCUSS ANYTHING ELSE." I REPEATED THESE SAME WORDS AND SAID NOTHING MORE SO THAT I WOULD NOT GET SUCKED INTO AN ARGUMENT. HE DID NOT BELIEVE ME.

Nice guy. But, did he take the stance that you left, broke up the family, and therefore it was over? Even if you wanted to come back?
YES. HE PULLED A FEW POWER PLAYS SAYING HE HAD CONSULTED THE COUNSELOR....BUT LIED. THE COUNSELOR ADAMANTLY SAID "THAT WAS NOT THE TERMS/ARRANGEMENT HE HAD ENCOURAGED.

How did you manage to move when bed-ridden? (I'm asking this because it would be an issue if you claim his abandonment...they will counter with, she didn't need help, she had her boyfriend and was able to move out, which she did...)
I DROVE WHEN I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO, WEAKENED BY CHEMO, DRIVING ON MEDS THAT DISCOURAGE OPERATING A VEHICLE, THROWING UP IN THE CAR WITH MY TREMORS HORRIBLY MAGNIFIED DUE TO THE FACT THAT I COULD NOT KEEP MY MEDS DOWN. MY ARM AND LEG ON MY LEFT SIDE WERE RIGID AND CRAMPING SEVERELY FROM THE PD. I DID NOT CONTACT MY FRIEND, I DID NOT WANT HIM TO KNOW.
Did he have to help you when you were still living with the husband?
My friend helped by stocking my freezer (not at home)

what do you mean not at home.
I WENT BACK TO MY APT SINCE I WAS NOT FULLY MOVED OUT BUT UNABLE TO GO TO THE STORE NO FOOD...

you mean he only helped you after you moved out?
YES, BUT I WAS IN BETWEEN MOVING BACK TO THE HOUSE...
(... unsolicited. I had not contacted him because i was trying to reconcile. My friend honored my request for no ties for 3 months until I needed help.
)

NO ADULTERY /NO FAULT DIVORCE STATUTE IN OREGON. I WAS A VIRGIN WHEN I MARRIED, FROM A CONSERVATIVE CHURCH UPBRINGING. I ONLY SOUGHT OUT HELP FROM FEMALE FRIENDS AND MY MALE FRIEND DIDN'T WANT TO HELP, BUT SAID HE WOULD NEVER ABANDON A FRIEND. HE PAYS FOR NOTHING, MAKES LESS THAN $40,000/YEAR. I PAY FOR ALL MY EXPENSES ON @ $20,000/YEAR.
Expert:  AlexiaEsq. replied 3 years ago.
Hi,

I am so sorry you are going through all this. You do sound like a very strong person. You can demand alimony despite the cohabitation, and while no fault will be the grounds, allegations of adultery/cohabitation can be considered, unfortunately, in Oregon for alimony purposes. So while it may seem irrelevant, not always the case. Your ex can urge the court to consider that fact of your cohabitation when deciding on whether to give you alimony. I see you are earning $20k annually, which is a good start for becoming self sufficient after 25 years. I'd still ask for alimony though, since your ex presumably makes far more, particularly if you gave up a career, social security to rear the children you both decided to have. And, as noted above, of course seek to have visitation carved in stone.

Edited by AlexiaEsq. on 12/2/2010 at 12:41 AM EST

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