You had really asked two questions: (1) a recommendation for mediators, and (2) the impact of pension v. income.
With regard to finding a mediator, you have to keep in mind that a "good" mediator for one person is not necessarily a good mediator for someone else. The mediator's function is to facilitate agreement between the parties, but their ability to do that depends in part on the mediator's compatibility with the parties. Someone could be very skilled at mediation
, but completely conflict with you and they would therefore not be a "good" mediator for your situation! Likewise, if the mediator was great for you but not for your husband, they would not be right for the situation. There is no way to know unless you interview a few and pick the one that is right for your situation--asking questions like their philosophy for resolution, what they do when one they perceive one party as being unreasonable or stubborn, etc. It is entirely relative, and there is no way to sugar coat that. Alimony
and pensions are a bit tricker. There is an excellent chance that you would be on the hook for some sort of alimony payment, especially in the short run. Alimony is awarded so that, to the extent possible, each party may continue to enjoy the standard of living enjoyed during the course of the marriage
. In reality, it is almost never possible to have that same standard of living, but where one spouse earned $160K/yr. during the marriage and the other earned $80K/yr., it would not be unrealistic for the advantaged spouse to pay $2,000/mo. in alimony for as long as the disparity remained at that level.
There is no rule that says alimony must be set at the time of divorce and that it can never change; contrarily, unless agreed otherwise, alimony may be modified upon a showing of a material change in circumstances.
You can expect to get a huge chunk of his pension. Furthermore, you need to keep in mind that your piece of his pension is actually likely to be much greater than 50% of its present value; I can go into it if you wish, but the short of it is that your portion of his pension will increase over time due to the fact that each piece of the pension increases in relative value as years of service are added--for purposes of property division, the employee's estimated potential years of service are considered for calculating an individual portion. In short, a 50% stake in the first 22 years of a police pension is huge--it is easily worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in a divorce payout.
There is no way to calculate for certain if his forfeit of alimony would make up for your forfeit of the right to his pension unless and until that pension calculation is made (this will have to be done by a professional with access to the necessary documentation), but the odds are pretty good that you would ultimately lose out in that trade. The question was what you need to do in this situation: the answer is that you need to hire a forensic accountant to compute the value of your interest in his pension; then you will have a clear answer.