Hi,My daughter has been asked to be the maid of honor at her best friends wedding. There are no other bridesmaids, just my daughter. The bride to be wants a bridal shower so her mother has asked my daughter to help plan one. The mother is expecting my daughter to pay the costs of the shower even though the mother has picked the place to have it.This is also a destination wedding in the Bahammas and my dughter will be spending about $3000.00 to attend after buying her dress, airline and hotel costs. My daughter feels the brides parents should pay for the shower. What is the proper etiquette in this situation?Incidently the groom is paying the costs for the destination wedding. The brides parents are picking up the hotel costs for the brides siblings and their children to attend.All of this is stressing my daughter and me out.
Hi, My name is XXXXX XXXXX X am your Etiquette Expert.Thanks so much for the question and I can completely understand why you and your daughter is feeling stressed out over this.So the questions that comes to mind are who is hosting the shower? Based on the fact that the mother of the bride selected the location for the shower one could argue that she is the host especially as she asked your daughter to help plan the shower not host it. Is the mother of the bride sending out the invitations to the shower as well? if not is your daughter sending out the invitations? if the mother of the bride is sending out the invitation that this further puts her in the host role.With these questions in mind the norm is that whoever is hosting the shower generally pays regardless of whether it's the maid of honor, a female friend or family member of the bride, or the bridal party. The host should not ask for contributions from the guests or from others (they're bringing gifts after all), but that said, there are plenty of budget-friendly ways to host a shower. For example it doesn't have to be an upscale affair with finger sandwiches and petit fours! Instead, opt for a wallet-friendly alternative that's in line with the bride's style.Clearly the situation is not a good one and it needs to be resolved quickly. I think you have three choices.1 - Speak to the mother of the bride and perhaps the bride herself and let her know that you are happy to help plan the shower (as requested) but you are unable to foot the bill. Tell her that in your view (and by her actions) she is the host and that etiquette is that the host pays.2 - If you feel inclined after having spoken to the mother of the bride (#1 above) then might offer to make a contribution towards the costs.3 - if you are resigned to paying for it - but just very unhappy that you have been put in this situation - then plan it in line with your financial budget so if needed come up with a wallet-friendly approach and explain to the mother of the bride that this is what you are doing and/or ask the mother of the bride to make a contribution.In all cases I would strongly suggest that you do this in person vs. email etc. Over the phone might work but if proximity allows do it in person.Good luck with this. If you have any related follow up questions I would be happy to answer them for you.
Certified Etiquette Trainer.
Thanks so much for giving me the opportunity to answer your question. If you have any additional questions I'd be honored to answer them for you.To request me put "For SheilaEtiquette" at the beginning of your question.Respectfully, Sheila