Thank you for reaching out about your dream interpretation. I first want to start with my condolences in losing your father. Based on my interpretation of your question, it seems that your father has already passed in your waking life, correct?
It is not easy to lose a parent and grieving is very individual for each person. I believe that your dream is related to processing your placement in the grief cycle. Often when we dream of a deceased parent it is related to our acceptance of the loss. You may be seeking to grasp the notion that they are really gone. You may be processing how the loss impacts you now and attempting to resolve emotions related to his death. The fact that he was buried, but then alive, suggests to me that you feel that you would like to communicate something with him. You may be going through a milestone right now or processing some sort of transition that you wish you could share with him.
Understanding the grief cycle may help you-- we go through different stages but they are not "linear" meaning in this specific order-- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The Kubler Moss model describes the stages as the following:
- Denial – The first reaction is denial. In this stage individuals believe the diagnosis is somehow mistaken, and cling to a false, preferable reality.
- Anger – When the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated, especially at proximate individuals. Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase would be: "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"; "Why would this happen?".
- Bargaining – The third stage involves the hope that the individual can avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek compromise.
- Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon, so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the individual despairs at the recognition of their mortality. In this state, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time mournful and sullen.
- Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals embrace mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. People dying may precede the survivors in this state, which typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable condition of emotions.
Based on what you are describing in the dream, it seems that you fluctuate between a state of denial, but also recognize that you have to accept the loss. You may even have guilt about doing this at times, because it does not feel "right" at times when we move on after the death of a loved one. This is symbolized with the reliving of the process of the loss-- finding out he was sick, holding him in his pain, attending a funeral, seeing him buried (suggestive of acceptance) but then going through the process over and over again-- You feel a bit embarrassed about telling others, because maybe you feel that you don't want to burden anyone with your feelings or that others feel that you should move on. Please remember that grief is subjective to each person and you have every right to process patiently and slowly the impact of the loss on your own life. That is personal for you and not to meet expectations of others.