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Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question

Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, PhD
Category: Dream Interpretation
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  40yrs interpreting dreams & connecting conscious & unconscious minds
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I had a dream last night that my deceased husband came back

Customer Question

i had a dream last night that my deceased husband came back and i was so excited. we were affectionate with each other and he proceeds to tell me he was going to marry another woman. i was furious. i took care of him for over 2 years during his illness and made sure his life was full of friends, family laughter etc. until the end. what does this mean? he has been gone for over 6 years. he was the love of my life.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Dream Interpretation
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
i even had a name for this new woman at the time of the dream. it woke me up at around 2 in the morning. my heart was pounding.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

I just wrote a paragraph that the system wiped out. I must first tell you that you will be surprised and eventually pleased to find out what your dream is really doing to help you move forward with your own life . I have studied quite a few dreams of deceased husbands that are similar to yours. So I will ask you a few questions about yours before offering you an interpretation tomorrow--because I want to be sure I understand more about how your dream fits into the process of your own life, in comparison to how some of the other similar dreams have functioned in those women's lives.

Actually your dream is a little more complex than most; and you will get more than you could have expected when I get your answers and show you how this dream has come to foster your personal development. I'm not sure when I can get back to you tomorrow; but these questions about your life at present shouldn't be hard to answer. Thank you in advance for the opportunity to bring out the wisdom of your dream.

So here we go: How old are you now? How long were you married? If you had kids, how old are they and what are they doing now? Most importantly, how is your life NOW similar to and different from the life you led when your husband was alive BEFORE he got his terminal illness? Have your roles shifted any in the last 6 years, and the balance of how you have spent your time? How has the pattern of your associations with other people shifted since his passing, if it has?

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

One more question just came to mind: How often have you dreamed about him in previous years? And more recently? Have you intentionally or casually thought about or communicated with him in your mind through some or all of these 6 years? And have you ever been furious towards him before now?

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

I'm disappointed that you haven't responded to my questions so I can give you a definitive interpretation of your dream. You won't have to pay another penny to answer my questions and get the interpretation you deserve and read what might help you change your life in valuable ways. DON'T give up this chance to get the valuable guidance that the higher power (aka God) is offering to you through this dream--probably. I just want to learn enough about you to be sure that what I think is a likely meaning is the right direction for interpretation. You don't have to answer ALL of my questions if some of them seem too hard for you or hard to consider. It's actually VERY NORMAL for people who have lost someone they dearly loved to be very conflicted about EVER feeling anger toward him after he has died--and THAT anger might be a very valuable emergence in your dream. But if you won't write back to me at all, I can't be sure that what I can say to you about your dream can connect with you where your mind is in relation to your dream and your attitude toward your husband. So you can reach greater comfort, expansion of understanding and new horizons for your own life.

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

Well, apparently you don't know how this website works, or you didn't understand what I wrote, or you don't want to answer any questions, and you think that dream interpretation is like a psychic reading, so I don't need to know anything beyond what you wrote. I'm very sorry that you won't help me make sure that my interpretation is accurate by supplying any of the more accurate information I have asked for. But the more likely meaning of you dream, and its potential value for the rest of your life is valuable enough that I'm going to give you a likely interpretation anyway, and hope that you might read it. I expect that it could make you VERY ANGRY at me, but it might make you reinterpret what you experienced in the dream, and make you apply the anger you felt when you woke up to what you could use very wel to liberate you from your stuck place in the grieving process.

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

OK. Here we go. I've seen quite a few dreams with the same basic themes as this one. But the unique elements of your dream can furnish me with the clues to the unique aspects of its message to you.

1. It's unique that your dream begins with A. husband comes back, B. you're very excited, and C. he is affectionate with you. A. is NOT a unique element, but B & C ARE very unusual. B. implies that either he hasn't come back much in 6 years or you haven't been excited much in 6 years, or BOTH. C. implies that HE DOES LOVE YOU still, and you love him still--which is normal. But it's very important BECAUSE of what he says next: That he's going to marry another woman. How could he possibly want to marry someone else if you still love each other? Because he's DEAD, and you're ALIVE, so he can't be married to you!

So you were4 FURIOUS. You proceed to plead that hye 's out of line to marry someone else AFTER ALL YOU DID FOR HIM IN THOSE LAST TWO YEARS. You sacrificed so much, and you deserve his endless, undying gratitude instead of romantic betrayal! But he has died! Are you still counting on the gratitude and love of a dead man to reward you in your world from which he's been gone for 6 years? You insist that he was the love of your life. But you have a lot more life to live, and he's not ever going to be around to live it with you.

I suspect (and here is where my previous questions were meant to get information for this guesstimate) that when you were caring for him so affectionately during his illness, and even after he passed away, that you never let yourself feel the full force of your ANGER and OUTRAGE that you were going to lose--and then had lost--the love of your life, and there was no way to stop it. Feeling ANGER at the lover you have lost for him abandoning you (even tho you know rationally that it wasn't his choice to leave you) is very hard for a grieving woman to achieve; but it is essential for working through the grieving process. SO THIS DREAM MAKES YOU FEEL THAT ANGER. Because he is voluntarily LEAVING YOUR FOR ANOTHER WOMAN: That is the key element of this dream that I have seen in all of the other dreams of this kind from women who have lost their beloved husbands. Most of the other women who've submitted these dreams have not explicitly said "he was the love of my life," but they've probably believed it. And most of the others have had this kind of a dream between year one and two after their loss; and yours is coming at year 6.

You are outraged that he is leaving you for another woman, when he has already left you by dying 6 years ago! You have not allowed him to die inside of yourself. You given him permission to leave you in death, and you're angry because you treated him so well when he was sick, and now he wants to leave you (what was the other woman's name?). In this dr3eam, the Dream Director (aka God) might be showing you that you can't make him act the way you want him to after he has been dead for this long, so you should let him go aweay from you. He's actually suggesting backhandedly that he can love somebody else in the realm of the afterlife; so you can love somebody else in the world of the living. This dream-movie's moral teaching is to stop living in your past and start finding a new future for yourself--even if it means loving other people, whether it's romantic love or not. In addition, if you have been in the habit of thinking he was an ideal husband, so nobody else could ever be as good, the scene of him telling you he was going to marry another woman (with a real name, which MUST mean something I can't understand without conversing with you about her) is intended to get you angry enough to push him off your pedestal. So then you'll be able to look at other people around you as good enough to love --just as he is still good enough to love (because of his affection for you) and good enough to give you implied permission to love somebody else if you should feel like it.

I bet you're young enough (40s or 50s) to still have a lot more life in you; and I hope you'll respond now that I've stuck my neck out to interpret your dream and your anger--which is the energy to blow a hole in what could be a very frozen/stuck place in your personality so that you can begin to thaw out and begin flowing forward in your emotional life again.

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

You'll probably get other chances to thaw out and get back into living a warm life again, even if you ignore this opportunity. And you have a lot of company in other widows who never want to love again--though some may put too much dependence on their grown children, while others may choose a different life of career or service to other people who they could treat as the next best thing to family or even platonic work or activity partners. But when you ignore or turn down the opportunity to free yourself from a stuck-in-grief place by using the hot fury that this dream has given to you, you might have to wait more years before another opening comes. And you might also express your stuck anger about the untimely end of your marital love in strange ways that neither you nor others around you can understand.

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

One more aspect makes your staying committed to your deceased husband more emotionally realistic: That you took such good care of him for so long when he was ill. I've been doing that with my wife for a year now myself, so I can empathize with how much you were devoted to him and could have continued that devotional attitude after his passing--and therefore also not want to let go of that attitude even now, 6 years later. But (even though you haven't provided any of the information that might have furnished strong evidence either for or against this meaning for your dream) your persisting in that attitude of caregiving as therefore deserving of his complete loyalty and gratitude could be precisely what ha led the Dream Director to declare thru the dream's plot that your continuing that possessive love for him is now out of step with the times.

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

I didn't express what I meant very well last night: Spending two years in loving devotion could make for a very beautiful post-mortem love-relationship-in-your-mind, and make you very comfortable with continuing that sort of loving devotion as a uniquely personal devotional life. Not unlike a religious practice of remembering and loving a religious figure like Jesus or a saint. Even if your deceased husband is not idealized, your habit of devotion and nourishing memories of the good times you created for him by bringing others into your circle of love could feel very fulfilling--and yet also sacrificial. And that sacrificial part has finally erupted in fury when the character representing him suddenly returns in a dream to say he's happy for your affection, but he's moving on with another woman.

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