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The investigator was partially correct. Your boyfriend can hire the investigator only if it is not done on your request. A restraining prevents you from causing contact directly and indirectly by instructing someone to violate the terms of your order. If you ask your boyfriend to hire an investigator to spy on your husband it is possible you could be found guilty of violating the restraining order.
If your boyfriend or any other 3rd party decides independently to hire an investigator even though it helps you then you would not violate the restraining order.
Any information that you legally obtain can be used in criminal court. However, a criminal proceeding is handled by the prosecutor and not you. It is the prosecutor that decides what is needed or not. You need to be careful that you do not interfere with a criminal investigation.
what constitutes an independent decision in the eyes of the law, if my boyfriend uses his own money? we live together, even if he uses his own money, will the judge still think I told him to do it. what would constitute independent
Using ones own money AND using one's own initiative makes it independent. In other words he has to do it without any prodding or funding from you. If a problem occurs both you and the boyfriend may have to testify that you did not ask your boyfriend to hire an investigator and your boyfriend hired an investigator on his own with his own funds.