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This is the first time I have filed. We have had many problems. But 90 percent of the time do pretty well together. I realize that I know how to push his buttons and get him steamed. I need counseling for this. I just think he could use some anger management. I am not afraid of him all the time. It is just when I push his buttons I am not sure how he will react. We have tried counseling once or twice but didnt follow through. He went to one anger management class but that was it. He never went back. He did ok after that class for a while but then it went right back. You cant expect on class to fix this. I have raised a ten year old son without him. I have seen the effects of this. I dont want this again. I have a 7 year old daughter and her dad and I have a wonderful relationship and she is a very happy child. I want the same for this child. But having him put in jail or costing him his job is not going to do that. We both have very good jobs and I think with help have the potential of making a good life for this child.
I guess what I am saying is I am not sure what to ask for in court. With a full order of protection he wont be able to be here for this child. We have to have some kind of contact to be able to raise a child...I just want an order to protect me from abuse and harrassment. I know what is ordered he will abide by. I realize it is only a piece of paper but without anything this will only continue to repeat.
I have no problem paying more than the 15 with an answer that will help. I am very leary about the internet but with it being the weekend am just looking for some answers.
"We have had many problems. But 90 percent of the time do pretty well together."
All married people have problems. If your problems only occupy 10 percent of your time then things are great. However, your definition of problems and most people's definition of problems are different. Violence toward you and/or the children is absolutely inexcusable. There is and never will be a sufficient reason to do violence to your family... ever.
"I realize that I know how to push his buttons and get him steamed. I need counseling for this."
I have handled hundreds of domestic violence cases and I can tell you that they follow patterns. You are displaying much of what I see from habitual domestic violence victims. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to do violence to your family. There is no "button" or magic words that justify violence... period. You do need counseling, but not to prevent hitting some button. You need domestic abuse counseling to teach you how to protect yourself and why he does the things he does. (which has nothing to do with you)
"I am not afraid of him all the time."
Do you think it is normal or okay to be afraid of him some of the time? It is not. He should never put you in a position to fear for your safety or the safety of the children. Again... there is no wiggle room here... there is no excuse.
"I just think he could use some anger management." ... "He went to one anger management class but that was it. He never went back. He did ok after that class for a while but then it went right back."
It is my hope that after reading some of your own words you will begin to realize that you are not creating this situation. He is creating it. You are simply trying to protect him from the natural consequences of his actions. By doing this (which I'm sure you've done before) you are enabling his behavior. That does nobody any favors. His child will learn this is the natural way to live... he will never grow or be forced to face his own problems.. and you will end up severely injured or dead. Now is the time for intervention... and you cannot do it. You simply have to tell the truth and not allow him to manipulate you into defending him any longer. If he never faces the true consequences for his actions, he will NEVER change.
This man hurt your son. Your son. It is your duty to protect him and show him that this is not permissible conduct. You cannot give in... you cannot make excuses. You need to speak to someone right now in your local domestic violence program about the steps you need to take.
Your hesitation about asking for an order of protection is understandable. However, until he realizes that this is not about words and promises of change (bet you've heard those before) it is about action. You have to protect yourself... your son... and your unborn child. Any man who physically attacks his pregnant wife is sick and weak. He needs help and you cannot give it to him. You cannot convince him he needs it... if he respected your opinion then he would not treat you this way.
I must admit that from your description I think you should file for immediate divorce. It is so far beyond the realm of acceptable conduct to attack your pregnant wife that I cannot think of one thing to say to you in support of your marriage. Your children cannot be exposed to this without doing serious harm to their emotional well being. You cannot be exposed to this without doing serious harm to your emotional well being. You do not deserve this and neither do your kids. You must let the state come in and help you. You must tell the truth... isn't the truth always the right thing?
Feel free to reply and I'll help you as much as possible.
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Yes the judge will be able to set the order to accommodate your needs. It is likely the judge will order no contact except to facilitate visitation (although he/she may order a third party facilitate this). Also, since your son was assaulted the visitation may be suspended temporarily until he complies with certain conditions from the court (counseling, anger management, etc). The visitation that is awarded may also be supervised for some period of time until the judge is satisfied that he has controlled his temper (at least with the children).
It is probably better that a no contact order is in place... at least for some period. If he is allowed to make contact for any purpose then it will become an excuse for all his contact, threats, control, and harassment. At this point it is better to work through a trusted intermediary and let the courts set the details.
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