Hello, I’m Nathan, and I’ll be assisting you today. My livelihood depends on your positive feedback, so your satisfaction is my highest priority.
Sorry to hear you’re having trouble, Drew, and my appologies for getting you an appropriate answer. This question really should have gone to the tv or home theater area rather than computers, but you are here now and I'll be happy to help you.
In short, what was mentioned above is correct, you must have a computer to set up the remote, as it requires a usb connection and special software for the configuration.
You could potentially do this somewhere else on another computer, such as a public library for example, or you could have a home theater installer/tech come out to configure it for you (typically around $100).
Another option that may be better for you would be to return the remote you have, and instead purchase an IOS based remote such as the harmony hub system: http://amzn.to/2a87qev
This one CAN be programmed through your ipad, and then lets you control your systems with the included remote OR via an app on your ipad (something your current version cannot do).