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Category: Canada Family Law
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Experience:  I am a practicing lawyer and have also been an online professional for 5 years.
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How is it that my sons ex-common law can create so many lies,

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How is it that my son's ex-common law can create so many lies, and face no consequences. She has lied repeatedly about her employment, made numerous false accusations, even going so far as to falsely claim my son abused his son, 6yrs old; and sexually molested their 3 year old daughter, as well as falsely claiming that he cut her off financially. Even though there has been an investigation by MFCD showing no abuse, and even though he has produced many many documents verifying that he did not cut her off financially, and some of her medical files have been introduced showing she falsely denied her past diagnoses and current treatment for bipolar disorder, severe anxiety disorder, OCD, past suicide threats, etc. My son has never lied to the courts. He is a professional and takes his reputation seriously. On the other hand, it appears that she is a pathological liar, but never seems to face any consequences. They separated almost 2 years ago, and every week, my son is trying to undo the damage caused when she lies to the children making false statements about him, claiming that he doesn't love them, only wants to hurt them, doesn't give them any money, etc. Everyone says that collaborate law or mediation is the best way to go, and cheaper than the courts. To date, my son has tried collaborate law, and thought they had an agreement. An agreement was drafted, he signed it, but then she refused to sign. Then they tried bringing in a child specialist, who was going to "assess" the situation; but this specialist declined to proceed, claiming that she was not experienced enough to deal with the child abuse accusations that were made at the time. She believed that the accusations were made in an attempt to sabotage the process, but since she could not be sure, she wanted to refer the case to a registered psychologist. My son submitted a 17 page spreadsheet briefly outlining all the "alienation incidents" that took place in the first 13 months of the separation. In spite of this, the psychologist assessed that there was "no alienation" claiming that the children have a good relationship with their father and countered that the children were "extremely suffering" due to the high conflict between the parents. We took great exception to this comment, as the high conflict is only coming from one source, that being the ex-common law girlfriend. The evidence truly supports that my son has taken the high road each and every week. He has tried his best to co-parent, but the other party keeps making unilateral decisions. The registered psychologist, in doing her report, appeared to be very biased in the written report. It turned out she failed to disclose prior to engaging in the Access and Custody report that she had prior consults with the ex-common law girlfriend. Her report had numerous false statements, even though she was provided a copy of the 3 affidavits that were filed after the ex-common law moved the children to the other side of the city shortly after the start of the school year. My son spent $15K to have a Custody and Access Report completed, when the report isn't worth the paper it's written on, since it is based on conflict of interest. They just recently tried mediation, but the ex-common law backed away from this too when she insisted that the children change schools to where she is supposed to be teaching this year. I say "supposed to be teaching this year" because as a teacher she has never been able to complete even a half school term without going on a medical LOA due to her mental illness. She has moved 4 times in the past 20 months since their separation. My son did not want to agree to change the children's school location based on the ex's employment location, since she has no history of being able to maintain stable employment. During their 5 year relationship, she taught in 3 different schools, and that included the time when she was off for her mat leaves. The only thing she was ever able to complete from start to finish, or her longest period of anything sustained was for her two 1-year maternity leaves. I hope she will be able to sustain her employment, since my son won't have to pay as much for spousal support; but given her lack of employment history due to mental illness, I believe it is highly unlikely. She recently took my son to court to change the children's schools, and she was successful - in spite of her numerous lies. My son just wants the conflict to end so that the children can stop being put in the middle. It is so easy to see how the children are suffering. My grandson has lost weight in the past few weeks, and looks so stressed out. It is heartbreaking to see a 6 year suffering with stress!! He seems to feel responsible for his mother. I attribute this to her highly manipulative behaviour. How can my son have this separation resolved. He appears to have a good lawyer, but we need some direction on how to end this.

debra thal :

Thank you for your question.

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debra thal :

I am sorry to hear this.

debra thal :

Your post is very sad.

debra thal :

But it's also very long.

debra thal :

I am not sure what the question is to be honest.

debra thal :

Are you saying that you want to know what you can tell your son so he doesn't give up fighting for joint custody?


Sorry to carry on so long. It's hard to know where to begin when so much has happened, and also so complicated. Yes, my son is seriously considering giving up. So my question centres on what hope or possibility does a father stand to have joint custody or possibly sole custody? He can't cope with the never ending conflict from his ex, and also can't cope with seeing his children experiencing so much grief. I read that 10% of dads get custody of the children. I am in shock that my son would not be one of the 10%. How can a father win custody of the children? I must say that in having custody of the children, my son does not want to deny the mother parenting time. He just wants to protect the children from being her behaviour (she has moved 4 times in the past year and a half, takes the children to the doctor when there is no need, such as last month when she told the doctor that both children had high fevers and cough for 10 days, but this was not the case, resulting in antibiotics being prescribed for the children). His ex is demanding sole custody. I think my son should not settle for anything less than joint custody. Is there any chance or hope for fathers

Those stats are overall and they consider all cases and in most cases the mother still is the primary caregiver.

It's not really so much about gender anymore.

And your son has genuine concerns about the mother.

He is not hurting them by fighting for them.

Even if he loses they will know that he fought for them when they are older and understand this more.

Can you tell him that?
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