Hi can you help with my problem. I have been seeing a man for nearly two years and for the last year and a half have been a bit perplexed by his behaviour. Firstly he states that he sees us as having a future toghether but often does not bother to contact me for a couple of weeks at a time. When we do catch up it is often only for a cup of coffee for 30 min or so. If there is to be any outings then it is always me who initiates these. He doesn't seem keen to pursue a sexual relationship or initiate any physical contact. We always have fun when we go out as he has quite a good sense of humour but dinner and the movies seems to be about it. I get the impression that he is totally not interested in me but he states that he is! He maintains and incredibly clean house and car. My first impression when I looked in his fridge was that he has OCD, although I am no expert on this! Could he have Aspergers or something like this?
Person's Gender: Male
Person's Age: 51
Nothing, just looking for information on the internet.
Hello. My name is XXXXX XXXXX X would like to help you to the best of my ability. My background is in assessment, diagnosis, & treatment of autism spectrum disorders.In order to help you better, are there any other things that he does that have led you to suspect Asperger's? Does he have difficulty initiating or maintaining conversations? Does he lead conversations back to what he wants to talk about? Have you asked him why the relationship has not progressed and about the long absences? If so, what was his response?
The reason I am wondering about aspergers is what I see as his inability to connect at all. He doesn't seem to know or understand how a relationship as a couple usually works or have the ability to engage in any intimacy not even an intimate conversation. As I said he tells me that he sees us as being in a relationship but then just goes off doing his own thing without any communication for long periods. I think that I generally initiate the conversations which doesn't come all that naturally to me as I am more on the introverted side so I ask him lots of questions. After a two year relationship I would have thought that even a shy person would start to feel at ease having conversations. I have asked him several times if I could meet his brother and parents but this never ever eventuates. I did ask him about the lack of development in the relationship and he offered for me to move in with him, but since having that conversation I once again am left hanging regualrily. He is a very nervous person in some regards. He doesnt like doing things out of the ordinary such as flying or visiting places. He keeps his doors locked at all times and has a weapon on hand at the door just in case!! He is not the kind of person who would be involved in anything bad or have anyone out to get him. He leads a quiet life and plays golf a lot!!!
Thank you for the additional information. While the difficulty relating and understanding how to interact in a relationship is often a symptom of Asperger's, there are also other diagnoses that may account for the behavior that you're describing here. Some bigger questions to consider are whether he would be receptive to seeing a counselor/therapist to possibly get a diagnosis (he may not be aware that his behavior is unusual, or he may be offended) and given your experience so far, do you want to continue with the relationship. Envision a year from now, what will this relationship be like then? What are your goals and where do you see yourself? Is he in the picture when you imagine yourself in the future? If you do decide to continue with this relationship, talking with him about your expectations of the relationship is a good idea. If he does have Asperger's you can't beat around the bush. You need to be direct and literal in your questions and comments (i.e. Many couples contact each other at least one time a day or every other day when apart. Couple introduce each other to close friends and family. etc). You may even ask him how he defines a relationship, a couple, and intimacy. His response can help you see how he is viewing the relationship and pinpoint where it is not matching your point of view. It may also be a good idea to seek a couples therapist to work through these concerns.I hope that this has helped. If you need any further assistance with this concern, please let me know. I wish you the best.
Support services (assessment, diagnosis and treatment) for autism spectrum disorders, ADHD, dyslexia, and learning disabilities.